Deal or No Deal


Recently I was asked what some of my deal breakers are when it comes to dating. If I would have been asked this question a few years ago I would have rapidly responded with kids, lack of ambition, spirituality and that’s just the short list. As I have aged and met women from different walks of life, some of my deal breakers have shifted. The biggest change would be that a woman having a child is no longer the end of the conversation for me. I was once so staunch in my refusal to consider dating a woman with a child, that my mom, who I love dearly couldn’t even get me to reverse course. 

My mom told me she didn’t like my ‘no kids deal breaker’ and that I should reconsider my stance. If any woman can get me to change my mind it would be my mom, but in this case, she didn’t even come close to altering my thoughts on dating single moms. I have always had a deep appreciation for women who hold down households on their own, but from a dating perspective it’s something I consistently avoided as if it was a plague. In the past I viewed kids as the ultimate torpedo when it comes to dating and getting to know a woman better. I was convinced that if a woman had a child, that she would always struggle to find a baby sitter on the weekend. For some reason it was inconceivable to me that some women actually have consistent babysitters and arrangements for child care, that don’t drastically impede their ability to travel, date, or just to take a break from being a mom.

I’m thankful that I have met some women who exhibit true independence which shines through in the way that they provide for their children. Paying attention to women who have kids, has given me some insight on how selfless some women truly are. I always knew they existed because my mom is a tremendous woman who always worked hard and sacrificed her own well being for her sons to experience a better life than she had.  Through conversation and observation I have learned to not put all single moms in a box. Instead of instantly closing the door of possibility when I meet a woman who has kids I now view it as an opportunity to observe and pay attention to what type of parent she is.

My shift on this particular deal breaker, led me to think deeper about some of my other deal breakers. Ambition has always been an attribute that I admire and respect. I think ambition is one of the core components of success. However, ambition can also be a catch 22 when it comes to dating. The last young lady that I was deeply interested in was so immersed in the pursuit of her juris doctorate that it impacted her ability to date. I’m attracted to women with drive, but my recent dating experiences have taught me not to dismiss a woman immediately just because she doesn’t exude the same ambition that I have. If she knows how to hold an intelligent conversation and can make me laugh that makes for a good substitute for aspirations of taking over the world.

Ultimately I decided to devote some time to examining my deal beakers. After some careful thinking some have remained and some have changed. Instead of keeping my generic deal breakers that made sense for me back in the day, I have decided to only keep the ones that are conducive to the type of relationship that I hope to have in the future. For the deal breakers that I left intact I want to make sure that I’m being reasonable and that I have a legitimate reason for abiding by them. Maybe it’s time that we all revisit some of our Deal Breakers, before we decide if a person deserves a first date.

Keep Her or Sweep Her

Edition 2

Keep Her:

1) If she was smart enough to wear a Halloween costume that didn’t result in her becoming sick.

2) If she enjoys giving back to the community and encourages you to do the same.

3) If she understands why T.I. is a better artist than Weezy. (This proves she pays attention to content and likes coherent lyrics, she’s probably intelligent)

Sweep Her:

1) She wore a suspect Halloween costume which resulted in her getting sick and having the sniffles for a week.

2) If she asked, “What are you getting me for Christmas?” in October after the 2nd date.

3) If she bought the new Iphone but didn’t take you out for your birthday.

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