Moral of the story is…


              Aight, first of all I want to apologize for being away for so long but I’ve been mad busy.  First I had to…..man fuck that, I just been busy!  So much has been going on I don’t know where to start at.  Oddly enough nothing worth sharing with you guys though.  I think my life would be great for reality TV.  I’m sure I’d be judged severely but I don’t give a damn and I’m sure folks would still tune in every week just to see what ignorant ass shit I’d do next!  Moral of the story is….EVERYBODY nosey!!!

              I can probably; no I can count on one hand how many times I’ve been to a strip club and just recently I chalked up number 5.  I’m just not a fan of them.  My theory has always been why pay a woman for something I can get for free?  Don’t get me wrong now, those sum-bitches in there be fine as hell Cuuuuuuuuuuud Lawd they do but I’m not about to let you sell me a dream and have me late on my rent.  Nah, I can’t go out like a sucker so therefore I stay my black ass out of those establishments.  I went to King of Diamond once and let’s just say I won’t go back until either A. I hit the lotto or B……..I hit the lotto.  

              Anyway, earlier that day I was having a conversation with a friend of mine about karma and whether or not we believe in it.  I do and I’ve been hit with a bit of karma in my day but none of it equals to all the bad shit I’ve done and I’ve had some pretty fucked up karma.  So I got to thinking and mannnnnnnnn it hit me!  I already know what my ultimate get back is going to be.  *hangs my head while shaking it* I’m a have all daughters and they are going to be either strippers or meet all men that act like I did in my early twenties.  You think it’s too late to start praying and asking for forgiveness with no karma? 

              In the famous words of the legendary Chris Rock… “I have one duty as a parent and that is to keep my daughter off the damn pole!”  Lord please don’t let my daughter(s) be a stripper.  Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate their craft and think they are highly talented but don’t let me daughter be one!  Please don’t let them be twerk team dancers either. That would be the death of me, I swear it would!

              Lord knows how I use to treat women back in the day and the last thing I want him to do is introduce my daughter to a knuckle head that use to act like me.  Man nothing good would come out of that.  I mean I won’t dictate who she dates but I’d attempt to give her the best advice possible and hope she makes the most logical and sensible decision.   I can’t and won’t try to make decisions for her because that’s a part of her growing process.

              I can see it now though, my daughter coming to me crying about how this dude did her and while I’m listening to her tell me what happen I’ll be like “yep, the same exact thing I use to do.”  Now she’s on my shoulder crying and I’m looking up at God and before I get a word out asking him to ease the pain of my daughter he’ll be looking down at me like “Gotcha Bitch!”  Moral of the story is I hope I didn’t wait until too late to get my act together.

              Question:  How comfortable are you around your partner?  Is there anything you won’t do around him/her or prefer them not to do around you?  Some folks have absolutely no boundaries.  Some folks are very conscious of the stuff they do around their significant other.  As you all know I don’t like to hear my woman’s pee hit the toilet bowl water.  Yea yea save it…I’ve already heard everything your about to say but what’s even worse is passing gas or as I like to say farting around me.  When I was little I wasn’t allowed to say fart, I always had to say pass gas or broke wind (country shit) so now I always refer to it as fart.  Don’t like my woman to say it though because it’s an absolutely disgusting word!

              My grandparents had this all wooden dinner table and these big ass wooden chairs to go with it.  My grandmother would sit at the head of the table, lean over slightly to the left and let out the loudest fart ever against that hard ass wood.  Mannnnnnn that shit use to be so loud but you had better not react or snare up your nose or she would be all down your throat.  *shaking my head* Then had the nerve to turn around and ask you to fix her some water….while we still eating like that shit is completely normal.  That’s my grandma and I love her to death but hot damn that’s nasty as fuck!  Later after dinner my sisters and I would be like “yo yall hear maw maw break wind?”

              Back to the topic at hand though, one thing I can’t tolerate which I know one day I’ll have to is a woman farting around me.  Blah blah blah…save it!  I know its normal but still……..I put women on such a high pedestal that I just can’t phantom the thought of a woman passing gas and walking away like its perfectly fine.  That’s only shit I picture me doing and hell I still won’t fart around my woman.  I’d be in the bed holding that shit hoping she don’t roll over and hit me in the stomach trying to cuddle.  I’ve gotten so good at it that I’m at the point where I know if it’s going to be loud, an SBD (silent but deadly), or just air which I call a whistler.  Only those whistlers can be let out around the mate. 

              I did a twitter pole and asked folks how many of them pass gas around their mate and surprisingly enough ALL the women that responded said along the lines “hell yea, its natural.  You want me to hold it in?”  Of course none of the men even replied but I’m sure it’s some nasty fuckers out there that let them ride around their women.

              I remember once me and the ex ol lady was lounging around the apartment watching TV on the couch.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  We were watching Breaking: Electric Boogaloo II and she had just so happen to dose off.  My favorite part was on when Turbo was in the room dancing on the ceiling and shit. 

              Have you ever been startled in your sleep in you jumped up out of the blue?  Well out of nowhere she jumped up out the blue and straight farted on my leg!  She turns and looks at me with this giggly ass yet embarrassed look on her face then she burst out laughing.  Me?  I’m shocked as hell with the straightest face every.  While she is sitting there laughing, I’m sitting here like “bitch did you just fart on me?”  I swear I was dead ass serious and didn’t see a damn thing funny and she is in tears laughing.

              I had something for that ass though!  The next day while we was riding in the car I let out a SBD, then rolled up the windows, locked them, and turned the heat on blast.  She cursed me smooth the hell out the entire ride home.  She got over it though but it was funny as hell to me.  Moral of story is don’t fart on or around me.

Quick Hits:

Tim Tebow is not as good as everybody is making him out to be.  Don’t get me wrong, I like Tebow but damn he aint baby Jesus.  His defense is winning those games, not him.  He just isn’t losing them.  Tom Brady, Aaron Rogers, and Drew Brees are winning games.  These gools putting up 30+ points a game and Tom Brady has the worse defense in the NFL.  Then they have the nerve to compare him to Cam Newton…shiiiiiiiiit Tebow can’t even hold Newton’s jock strap.

I experienced my first tailgate this past weekend at the Panthers vs. Falcons game.  Man that shit is crazy!  Of course the bruhz had it sponsored by Crown Royal.  I left there with the same amount of money in my pocket as I did when I got there and I rode the train home full and intoxicated!  If you’ve never been to one check it out at least once.

I understand the reasoning for not letting Chris Paul go to the Lakers because the Hornets ticket sales would go down due to the fact they wouldn’t have any superstars to attract fans but for fuck sakes they are considering letting him go to the Clippers?  To be honest I preferred Dwight Howard over CP3 anyway.  I’m still a believer in old ass Derek Fisher.  Hell Chauncy Billups is a free agent.  I’d be all over him if I was in the Lakers front office.  It doesn’t even matter though because Kobe is still going to reign supreme while Lebron continues to practice his gag reflexes during big games!  Say what you want but Chris Bosh is who kept them in the finals for so long.

Still haven’t heard J. Cole’s album yet…

Partying for NYE is overrated…

Bernie Mac is one of the top 5 greatest comedians of all times…

The Jamie Foxx Show >>> Martin Lawrence Show #nodebate

The GOP doesn’t give a damn about you!

As always you can follow me being ratchet on twitter @jus_ryan3

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